My wife and
I were watching movies when she made an outstanding observation. “I don’t care what these damn movies or Oprah
or whoever says, women want a man that comes home from work, helps with the
kids until bedtime, drags you to the bedroom by the hair, has his way with you and
then goes out to the garage and polishes his motorcycle. Women want a REAL man. They don’t want some softy nice guy!” Wow!
Then I said, “Well, baby, you won’t let me have a motorcycle!” She gives me “the look”, and her point is
made. So, I decided that I was going to
be a REAL man from now on.
Friday night my wife is cleaning
the windows on her big, huge, expensive, “F U GreenPeace” truck. My neighbor pulls up to say she found a snake
above her garage door. I grab a 5-gallon
bucket and head over. My wife brings me
a cup to get the snakes head in. She
watches too much Animal Planet. I said,
“Get that cup away from me, Woman!” With
my bare hands mind you, I pull the snake off the ledge. I grabbed it right behind the head as it
tried to turn and bite me. It had a
diamond shaped head and was extremely pissed.
Could have been a black mamba for all I know, but I was on my way to
being a REAL man.
Saturday
afternoon my wife drives our piece of crap Jeep to see her horses. (Her “F U
Green Peace” truck was too clean to take)
Around 4pm she called from the
side of the road. Thank goodness the
best option anyone could have for a babysitter lives just across the
alley. However, when she wasn’t available
her mom came over. Just kidding, Wanda! She colored with my daughter while my son
slept on the couch. I drove up to rescue
my wife with some water for the radiator.
What’s more manly than rescuing a damsel in distress on the side of the
road? Wow! This REAL man thing isn’t all
that tough. I might be able to keep this
up for a few days longer.
As Wanda
was leaving, she mentioned that Glenn was going to a poker game. That’s a manly thing to do, right? Right!
I invite myself and I’m on my way to batting a thousand! My wife gives me the go ahead (and the money)
and I’m off to play poker.
Now I don’t
know if my testosterone being at an all time high helped or the fact that my
doctor wouldn’t refill my prescriptions.
Whatever it was, I played some good poker for once. I remember my last couple of live games. The last time I called someone’s bluff. The only problem was that the bluff was
pocket Aces. Then, the time before that,
I had 2 pair and didn’t see the straight possibility on the board. Well, this time I was playing for my
manhood. After the words of wisdom my
wife bestowed on me, I couldn’t possibly come home from a poker game without
any money. AGAIN! A REAL man would bring home some funds every
once and a while. Right?
Looking back
I believe playing badly at first forced me to play how I needed to. It humbled me. I maybe the only one to experience this, but
I found myself playing hands I would never play online. When I realized that I would fold most of
these hands playing online, I knew how I had to change. I did a 180!
From that point on, I played a lot better.
I started playing very tight. The table knew I was playing tight. That cloak of deception carried over even
when I had enough chips to play around with.
Everyone knows that doesn’t hurt.
So, I stole a few blinds, made a couple of crazy raises with small pair,
etc. Next thing I know the pressure of
the final table is subsiding.
The woman was gone. The chip leader
going into the final table, Cowboy Bob, had already donated most of his chips
away. He was all but dead. The loud Australian with the cell phone was
knocked out. Jim stopped peeking at my
cards. Pretty soon, I was in the
money. Hell, this is livin’! When you are a fish, there is absolutely
nothing like playing poker when you have already won money. It frees up your game. You played tight to ensure you made it past
the bubble. Now, you can bluff
again. Throw your chips around. Joke and be merry. Well, it was double for me. I was not just a poker player that was in the
money. I had become a REAL man!
It was the greatest weekend of my
life. I was finally a REAL Man! However, it was short lived since the
following day I had to manscape my junk to get a little lovin’ from the
misses!
