Since I made a tool out of myself last Friday, I
thought it only fitting to continue my punishment. To turn the
experience into a “tool”, if you will. It’s funny how different things
end up after we have such grandioso plans. Like when I wanted to be a
truck driver growing up. Well, instead, I have become the next closest
thing. I’m a tax consultant. I figure it’s only one step removed.
Instead of throwing urine bombs out the window so I don’t have to stop,
I catch other people’s shit all day. Most of my peers are overweight,
pasty and sleep deprived. Hell, I think I’ll install a massive steering
wheel at my desk. Then a little ripcord from the ceiling attached to an
air horn.
I was putting my son to bed at 9pm last Friday. I don’t know why,
but for some reason I thought about Tommy. Not because my son and Tom
currently have about the same proportions, but because I hadn’t been to
a poker game at Tom’s house in a long time. I had a choice. I could
stay home and watch Bambi with my daughter until she fell asleep, or I
could go watch the guys play poker and chat.
This is the point I look back on. Wondering to myself, “Why didn’t
I just take the beating of Bambi in the privacy of my own home?” No
onlookers. No judges. Nobody to say, “Wow! That Pappy is a moron!”
I told the wife (in question form) that I was going to Tom’s house
to watch some of the poker game. When I pulled up outside Tom’s house,
I checked my wife’s truck for money in case one of the people playing
got bored or tired and wanted to sell their spot for the $5 buy-in. I
found $4 and 4 quarters. I left them in the truck, as to not look
desperate. I came off as desperate anyways, when the offer was made to
re-buy for $5. That would be $5,000 chips for $5. I took it.
My first hand was QJ off suit. I call a raise, see a flop that
doesn’t help and bail. I’m already down to $3,400. Then I get a doozie
of a hand. K3 suited. I normally wouldn’t play this hand, but a feeling
of panic came over me. I thought, “I’ve got $3,400 in chips already.
Most of these guys have a 5:1 if not 10:1 lead on me. I gotta make a
move.” It was like the schoolyard bully was approaching me for my lunch
money. Unfortunately, I had to bring my lunch to school. It wouldn’t be
that unfortunate, except I also happen to have a step-monster that
couldn’t approach the microwave without scaring everyone in the house,
including the cat. So, the bully didn’t want my lunch. He just wanted
to yank my underoo’s elastic waste band so hard it comes off in his
hand and he can use it to launch spit wads with.
This time, the bully was Tom. He could leap a poker table in a
single bound. He called cards as they were being turned. He could see
the future. I should have just thrown my lunch bag at him and ran.
Instead, I did the next best thing. I called the BB with my monster and
saw a flop. When deciding to get involved, I decided I had to going
all-in. It was like acting crazy before a fight just to make the
opponent wonder exactly what you would do. You make an unexpected move
to scare them. “It ain’t nothin’ for me to cut a man!”
I don’t know why I put so much mental pressure on myself, but I
just felt it. My mind was messing with . . . my mind!?! Well, the flop
comes X K X and Tommy is telling me it’s my turn. This is my last
chance. I even remember wondering if I could make it to the door before
Tom leaped over the table to “get me”. I don’t know where I got the
nerve, but I stood up to the bully. “I’m all-in!” Tom quietly spoke.
“I’m gonna have to call you.” He turns over KQ.
As I was leaving I closed my eyes and prayed that Tom didn’t launch
any spitwads at me while I took my walk of shame back to my wife’s
truck. One last chance to redeem myself, though. Unfortunately for me,
I could only find another $1.26 in the console and underneath the seat.
Tonight, I take the schoolyard back!
